Holy crap. Yesterday I realized that no matter what I do, I'm just repeating the same series of events over and over.
I watched Drunk (my movie, you can totally check it out if you want) with one of the guys at the hotel (John, we'll get to him in a minute) and I realized that I was in the same psychic space today as the autobiographical character in that movie that I wrote! Holy shit!
All I do is build stuff to destroy, wreck it, go on adventures, wish I hadn't wrecked everything, and start to build more stuff to destroy. Over and over. And then, of course, I write about it.
And the cycle is getting more intense and faster. It's gone from wishing I hadn't messed up years of relationships with girlfriends with crazy drunken weekends to wishing I hadn't messed up months worth of marriages with cross country treks! Pretty soon it'll be wishing I hadn't messed up seconds worth of reality with complete oblivion!
Oh man, progress is hard. And the progress that I had yesterday is realizing that everything is always going to be the same. Nothing will ever change. The only thing I can change is my response. Thanks a ton to Gen (my helpful, scholarly fellow neurotic who shares my distaste for the mundane and interest in overindulgence in deviant activity just for the pain of it) and John (the Pan-African minded atheist construction worker with the political science/religious studies degree). You guys are both way smarter than me and I'm thankful you existed yesterday. Or, I'm thankful that my mind created you in order to keep iteslf from going off the deep end. However you want to look at it.
Anyway, what do I do now? Come to terms with the fact that I'm just a host in Westworld? Try to change the cycle? I wrote a letter to my ex this morning, hoping that she could help me put an end to my craziness. Please, somebody tell me not to send it. John already told me that if I was really crazy, I'd just lay myself at her feet and do what no guy ever does, just tell her that I'm a complete slave to her memory and there's nothing I can do about it. But I want to break out of this! I don't want to have an anchor of tragedy that confirms and motivates my search for progress. I don't want to be a character in some repeating storyline. I want to be a unique and special flower AND an insignificant member of the connected universe. Either way, I'm a slave to the Fibonacci Spiral and I'm not happy about it.
Holy crap, I'm not getting better at all. I'm still a lunatic. I guess I'll just go do some work to distract myself from all of this. That's all we can do, right?
(Please note that I am still having a grand time, life is hilarious, and even my discontent is interesting to me.)
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