Halloween and Blah Blah Blah

So, remember that year (or let's be honest, multiple years), where you worked on your costume for a long time, put money and effort into the details, chose a character or theme that fit with you, practiced the accent, tested the costume's durability, wearability, and comfort, then you ended up just standing around with your friends wishing that you had a totally rad Halloween party to go to? It's always, "Oh, yeah, Dale is having a little get together..." or "We're all going to meet at O'Fanny's for dinner..."

"The Hell?!" you think. "This is not the 'rager' I was picturing when I put in all this effort. Halloween is my favorite holiday, why can't I have the epic night, surrounded by the sounds, creativity, and passion of the evening? Again... Tha' Hell?"

Well, my friends, let me tell you, last night, we ended up at 'that party.' It was totally the Halloween party out of whatever 80s movie or TV special you use to idealize it. There were over the top costumes (Kool-Aid Man), decorations (projected skeletons and a host with a fun attitude), and a contest (which, I'm told, Beetlejuice with the spinning headgear was totally robbed in). I'm sure there was a group of teenage kids running around somewhere in there, trying to warn everyone of an impending danger that they were eventually able to thwart. The only thing missing was the band dressed like uniform zombies (the DJ was a little lacking).

Anyway, it was a lot like Prom, and the usual rules for that event worked just fine: Dress your best, arrive and look at what everyone is wearing, dance to two songs (one fast and one slow, if you can manage it) then leave before everyone gets shithoused. It was a good Halloween.
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For some reason, it kind of got me thinking about relationships. During this time when the masks we wear are celebrated, I've kind of mused on the expectations and controlling impulses we have that ruin our relations with the world around us. From political activity to our communities to our personal relationships, there's a weird thing that happens that causes things to turn sour, and I think I've kind of put my finger on how it works.

It starts with expectation. We think the world, or the people in it, should be a certain way. Some of this is based on instinct, some on what we are taught, and some on our own personal traumas. Most of the time, the world kind of does what we expect. Current events trudge on in one predictable direction or the other, our partners treat us a certain way, which is usually acceptable to us. But whatever the circumstances, we have expectations and things we try to keep under control. Both of these aspects are, ultimately, the downfall of our own piece of mind, because everything will eventually defy us, everyone will fail our expectations.

It's like we have a bucket and, no matter how good a situation, every little time something goes wrong, a bit of spite goes into the bucket. If we don't drain it, it accumulates. No amount of good behavior on the part of our partner relinquishes the building amount of 'spite water' in the bucket. So, when the bucket gets full, it overflows and we have to act in an effort of self-preservation. We try to empty the bucket (even though it usually retains at least a little of whatever gunk we can't seem to get rid of) and we go on to the next future-failure-of-a-relationship. I think that's why our democratic process with the president has weathered the storm, it automatically resets itself every 8 years. But our relationships are harder. The only solution is to let go of our expectation and poke a hole in the bucket. If we accept our surroundings, doing what we can to see the world as it is (beautiful, if you don't see it that way, it's on you), accept the people around us for who they are, faults and all, and then act accordingly and maintain a cleaned out bucket, our lives will be happier and our surroundings will seem more acceptable. When this happens, we can become more effective in combating the situations we still find to be unacceptable. Remember, there are only two things you have control over: your situation and your reaction to it. You can change either at any time. Life is just a balancing act of dissatisfaction, action, and acceptance.

For my part, I figured all of this out through extreme trial and error. But now I've got a functioning, enjoyable existence that doesn't irritate me too much. I've got a partner who allows me to be me, who doesn't judge me and who makes sure I know what her standards are and what the consequences will be if I violate those standards. It's all stuff I am totally capable of managing. And I've got a mindset I can maintain through a few daily tasks. I'm grateful for it. That's it.