I feel kind of disconnected from the world around me lately. It's strange, but it's not bad. It's not depression or apathy, it's just a general feeling, something we all feel at times, I guess, that I don't quite jive with what is going on around me.
Don't get me wrong, my existence is still pretty great, ideal even. When I keep my head down and my mind on my immediate business, life is pretty awesome. I have the means to do whatever I want, I have friends and co-workers and activities that all fill the roles and expectations one would look for. I have rid my daily activity of real pain or sadness or depression. The more negative elements of the life I led two years and half a country ago have washed away. I have a few stellar aspects of my life--- the city I live in is bustling and active and interesting, my work (all 3 jobs) fulfills my interests and needs, my girlfriend is the best person I could imagine.
But, like I said, I still kind of feel like I'm observing the rest of the world rather than actively participating. When I lift my head up and try to voice an opinion on what's going on outside of my inner circle, I always seem like a lone voice.
Example: I wrote a review of the Queens of the Stone Age show here in Saint Paul for the wicked cool website musicinminnesota.com. Read it here. In in the review, I talk about (lead singer) Josh Homme, noting that he is one of the last of the old-guard 'cool' frontmen. He has a stage presence of 'I don't give a fuck' that I really like. It's just classic rock and roll. Then, two days later, at a show in LA, he drunkenly kicked a camera out of some dopey photographer's hand. She stayed for the rest of the show, then went to the ER, and whined all over the internet. Next thing I know, I see this ass-kicking rocker on facebook, red-eyed and puffy (either from drink or tears) apologizing and saying he has to 'take a look at himself.'
I don't know what people expect of rock stars anymore. I don't know what their role is. Shouldn't he kick the camera, not give a fuck, buy her a new one, and then she has an awesome story to tell about how a rock star kicked her in the face? If I got kicked in the face by a guy on stage, I'd fist pump and rock out for the rest of the night, wear my bruises like a badge of honor. But the line is being blurred. We don't hold these people on pedestals anymore. They are expected to live by the same standards as everyone else. And I'm all for that too, I suppose. I'm all for Homme trying to improve himself and showing respect for another human being. I just can't understand where the societal standard is.
I mean, you've got a lot of exposure happening on the internet lately. Look at all the sexual misconduct stuff. We're getting to the point where just an accusation of basically 'this guy was a creep to me one time' is destroying people's reputations. People are resigning over this stuff. Maybe more of us are realizing that self-improvement, at whatever cost, leads to societal change. That's an idea I can get behind. I've seen my life improve vastly by simply admitting my faults and trying to correct them. Of course, I've never come close to the kind of deviance some of these guys are now admitting to.
Maybe they are doing it in the hopes that the most disgusting examples of this sort of behavior will follow suit. Instead, while Democrats and public figures of a more progressive attitude are trying to atone for their sins by stepping out of power positions, we have these total fucking monsters who are just high-fiving each other as more and more of their opposition implodes on itself.
What happened to Weinstein? Where did Cosby go? Are we ever going to hold Trump accountable for ANY of his awful behavior? It makes me almost admire these dudes. They are attempting to bring about the end of the world, on their terms, and they are riding their confidence and bravado right up to the Apocolypse. I actually have social media friends that are applauding some of Trump's actions like the recognition of Israel's claim on Jerusalem as their capital. What the hell is that about?! Sure, it would be nice, and some other Presidents thought about doing this. But then they looked at the probable consequences and realized how crazy it was. Trump just does it, because he really doesn't give a shit. That's admirable, but are we really in favor of anarchy as an alternative to slow, peaceful progress?
Again, I feel kind of disconnected. I kind of have a general attitude of 'who gives a shit' when it comes to world affairs. I don't have any platform or power, and I just try to live my life in a way that doesn't hurt anyone. But man, what about all the folks who claim to care about this shit? Isn't anyone going to DO something about this? We have a perfect villain here. He's setting himself up for us to topple him! He's like the supervillain who needs attention, but instead of fighting him, we're all focusing on a former SNL writer or a guy whose new album is called Villains. This is just too crazy to be real. It's like Trump is this great comic book bad guy, too evil to really be scary, but there is no superhero to thwart him. All we have is Limp-Wristed-Vegan-Hipster-Man to the rescue, and his superpower is internet rants. (btw: I see the irony of this last joke.)
Anyway, all of this just makes me less worried about providing anything to the world around me. Society and I just seem to have different priorities. I haven't been very externally active lately, and the world seems fine to ignore me as well. I suppose I should be grateful. I value progress and knowledge and consciousness, and the world around me is obsessed with money and power and elite activity. In instances where rebellious behavior should be celebrated, like rock and roll, it is disparaged. In places, like politics, where human decency should be upheld and defined, people are in favor of disgusting, classist, racist nationalism. I can't wrap my head around it and I feel disconnected.
I think about the philosophical and spiritual idea of the larger Self. Of Oneness. That my reality is a projection of my consciousness, that the external is a reflection of the internal. If the world I see around me is confusing, or something I disapprove of, perhaps I should look at what bugs me about myself. Take the macro and change the micro. Realize that the world is perfect the way it is. All movement is progress whether I see it or not. Maybe then the world and I can reconcile.
I'm just glad I don't have some of these extreme prejudices in my own psyche. I've done a lot of crazy, weird, norm-defying stuff in my journey, but most of the destructive stuff was aimed at myself. I had to figure out why deviant behavior is regarded so, and in doing so I realized how a lot of the institutional control that goes unnoticed is actually the worst part of humanity and the American style of life.
I guess that I need to get back into the game, try to do some good in the world now that my own house is getting in order.
I suppose I'll start by going to another show tonight, doing another review of another band. Maybe I'll write about how they are bland and lame and no one will ever care about their music-- that'll ensure they are huge stars within a fortnight.
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