Sounds About Right...

Her: "What's wrong?"

Him: "Well, um, it's just that I feel kind of weird."

"About what?"

"Well, all of this sexual harassment and sexual assault stuff."

"Oh, yeah. It's pretty bad. What's the trouble?"

"Well, it's just that I'm a straight male living in America, and, you know, I just want to let everyone know that I'm one of the good guys."

"Oh, you're worried about you then... like, it's not about all the women who..."

"Yeah, I mean, I'm no angel. I'm like, not a rapist or anything, but I grew up in this culture, you know. I've made girls feel uncomfortable, made my share of inappropriate jokes. At the very least I've been complicit in the standard that allows the real predators to continue with illicit activity, subjugation and forced subordination based on a power structure that was designed and held in place, and I'm talking about patriarchy here, to protect the people with the power and devalue, dehumanize, and discredit anyone who tried to oppose it. Of course, I've done it unconsciously because it was a societal standard I was hardly even aware of. I was brought up with certain unquestioned behaviors, behaviors that existed all around me all the time, and I never knew anything else. I feel really bad about my stupidity now, but what can I do about it...?"

"Well..."

"I mean, it's not like I can change a lifetime of socialization overnight. It's not like I can change how society works. It's not like I even really want to, you know? I mean, I'm the one with the power, and there are so many things that will go away if I recognize the equality of women within my reality."

"Really, like what...?"

"But I sure don't want to be lumped in with people like Moore and Trump and O'Riley and C.K. and Weinstein and Cosby. Even though I'm still pretty into Louis C.K. and I wish people would give HIM a break, and I'm not going to even mention Frankin, because jeez, where does it end? It really seems like we're getting too sensitive about all this stuff. I mean, even the term 'sexual assault.' That used to basically mean, like, violent rape and stuff. Now it pretty much means, like, any time you bump into a woman's boob or whatever. It's like everyone is so sensitive that we aren't going to be able to do anything at all, you know? With each new story, I get less and less interested and more paranoid. What should I do about it?"

"Um, I don't know, have you ever raped anyone?"

"Of course not."

"Or exploited a minor?"

"Lord no!"

"But you've been complicit in some of these activities?"

"Unfortunately, I've been too close for comfort."

"Well, are you willing to try and change your behavior."

"Look I'm not on trial here! I haven't done anything wrong. This is turning into a witch hunt... or, like... a warlock hunt. I don't know, what's the gender-neutral noun for the non-muggle community?"

"Maybe if you would just listen to us. You know, pretty much every man has something to apologize for and every woman has a story, why don't we just start a dialogue?"

"That's cool, we'll do that at some point, like, really soon... I just want to make sure that you know I'm on your side..."

"Okay, well..."

"...and I'm going to take a really hard look at myself. You know, and I'll do what you said, I'll probably even tell everyone what a shithead I've been, maybe even contact some women that I might have acted inappropriately toward. You know, apologize. Make things right."

"I didn't actually say that... I don't think that's really going to help anything..."

"No, really. I deserve it. I've been bad, but I'm not anymore. I'd rather just initiate the conversation, like you said, instead of having anyone accuse me of anything. I think I'm going to be fine. Man, I was worried for a second there."

"So, it's still about you?"

"No! Of course not. This is about breaking the cycle. But really, I just want everyone to know that I'm cool. I'm progressive, I'm for women's rights and equal pay and I'm against 'rape culture' and all that. So, that's it..."

"Okay..."

"So, we cool?"

"What?"

"You know, am I off the hook?"

"Um, sure, I guess..."

"Great!"