This year has been a strange ride, filled with unexpected triumphs and the emerging of new challenges. I see the proof that my external struggle in this world directly mirrors the internal, and it is easy to see this new year's eve will be a moment of preparedness, a clam before impending action, and an invitation to look back on how we have ended up here, for better or worse.
For me, personally, it has been a year of rebuilding and odd victories. After my destructive personal battles, I have seen a year of steady increase in means and ability. I have maintained sobriety, found a new relationship, done work to improve my relationship with my ego and the world that surrounds me. I have produced two novel-length manuscripts, a dozen short stories, and more blog and journal entries than I can count, all of them crafted without impeding thoughts of success or approval. My hope is much of this will see publication and find an audience in the new year.
Additionally, I have divorced myself from the system of finance and corrupt moralistic disapproval, both in a physical and psychological way. I have left old entities that represent the standard of living I proved, through my own investigation, are bankrupt and inaccurate. Many of these phantoms, whether they be actual people or places, or merely nuanced situational manifestations of my own mind, receive less direct attention from my conscious energy. They have, at the very least, drifted into my periphery like shadowmen in the corner of my vision. Some may still be present, but they are no longer scary or dangerous.
And there is still work to be done. There are still debts to be paid, new challenges to overcome. I have worked my way back to a situation that is not dissimilar from the most successful times in my previous life. I look around myself with new, clear eyes and the world seems like a dream version of the America from my youth. Did I die during my suicide attempt? Is this some fresh hell I can only escape through action and serenity? I suppose it doesn't matter. The reality we experience IS reality, no matter how confusing, bizarre, or unimaginable.
Everything I lost through self-destruction and addiction, I have been given back. I have love and stability and happiness, new stories and experiences, new understanding, and I have beaten some of the harshest challenges I had need to overcome. I am (more or less) at peace with my surroundings and my moment-to-moment existence.
The world outside my window smacks of this same 'midpoint' feel. This was a year of great triumphs. There have been achievements and progress toward greater understanding. But there are also battlelines being drawn. Between women and men, between the ruling classes and minorities, between politicians and the masses. People are ready to fight, whether it be for the protection of tradition and time-tested institutions, or the destruction of old laws and rules that, while intended as protection, have evolved into a cage controlled by the powerful elite.
It is fitting that I live in such a harsh climate. There is so much art and beauty and culture here, but one must brave the elements to find it. This is much the same as the struggle in my own mind. I know the answers are in there, and sometimes I can hold onto them. I even feel like I've said them. But I have to trudge through the cold on a daily basis in order to get to them. I have to leave the apartment.
I see people living much as people always have. So many of us, myself included, much of the time, are merely surviving. We begrudgingly push against the day, hoping for the moments of clarity or happiness we know is out there, somewhere in the blizzard.
Let me tell you, friends, it is out there. Both in our minds and in the world around us. The sparks of human consciousness, firing on all cylinders, are getting closer together and more pronounced. Sure, there are still clogs in the works. But as is always the progress of history, these clogs will be cleared, whether through steady, diligent work, or the violence of revolution.
For myself, I always look for swift change. Give me the pain now, tare off the band-aid, stitch up the wounds, and give me my lollipop. I am hopeful that this year will be a year of breakthroughs and exponential growth and acceleration. There may be pain and conflict, but there will also be new hope, new understanding, new means and then... as always, new challenges.
Be safe out there, my friends, every moment of your life is unique and virgin and perfect. Don't blow it on cheap wine, paper party hats, and slow, crippling, temporary thrills.
No comments:
Post a Comment