I just feel kind of done with the effort for now. I'm getting to the point in my life where I know what my strengths and interests are, and I'm finding less and less satisfaction from digital interaction. While I know there is an infinite amount of information, entertainment, and knowledge available to me online, I just feel like my focus is hindered by the choices. I spend endless amounts of time looking at nonsense, hoping to find a few bits of media or art that are interesting. Meanwhile, I still haven't read all of War and Peace.
All I'm saying is that there are very definite things, art, entertainment, and experiences in this world that are worth exploring, and, largely, I know where to find them. Sure, I might miss out on a band here or a silly meme there, but I feel like I need to focus on the stuff that I am good at and interested in, and I need to do it with my full attention.
I know that I love my girlfriend. I want to look at her without wondering if I have any new notifications from Instagram. I know that I love my writing, and I want to be able to focus on making the final draft as good as possible without being interrupted by pictures of people-I-don't-know's food or ugly children. I know that I love travel and scary adventure, but I'm feeling less and less obligated to report my activities to a social media community.
Also, I need to separate myself from the culture of shameless self-promotion. I've never been good at telling people my art is worthwhile. I've tried it in several capacities, and it has never felt okay or yielded any particularly noteworthy results. So, such a situation begs the question: Why do it? My options are either to throw myself into activities that are outside of my comfort zone AND which violate my personal ethical standards- or to let it go and not worry about it. In a world where everyone is trying to shove their latest would-be viral video or short film or photoshop masterpiece or blog or Vaguebook post or whatever into as many people's faces as possible, maybe I'll just do the opposite. I can create without promotion, simply because I have that option and it is outside the norm. Actions like this have always worked out best for me anyway.
It's part of a general purge. I know I don't like Wal-Mart or McDonald's, so I've stopped going there. I know I don't much enjoy the stresses or rewards of money, so I handle it as little as possible. I don't like the idea of hoping the world looks fondly on me and my daily decisions, so I'm going to stop the activity that suggests my ego is dependent on this interaction.
This blog has served its purpose well. It has been an outlet for my feelings and a communication at arm's length with a world I felt I owed a little bit of explanation. Now, I'm going to take a break. It is time to spend less effort writing about my craziness and put more energy into enjoying the sanity I have found in my unconventional lifestyle. I'm not going to stop writing or attempting to be of service to the world or seeking my own recovery from the affliction of the human condition, I just don't see the point in shoving it all in your face anymore. I had a theory, at one point, that my service could be constant documentation. That if I left the trail of bread crumbs all the way from 'pathetic addict' to 'enlightened being' it would be good for everyone. So far, no one really seems to care. So I need to divorce myself from the idea that I'm doing anything that anyone cares about. I can keep writing, keep living, and stop worrying if anyone is looking. With that, I'll be shutting down all of my social media accounts and removing my books from their online platforms. If you want to interact, just come find me.
Talk to you soon.
SB
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