Clean Slate

When we are born, we come in screaming
no difference between wake and dreaming,
no reference point or memory
a part of something, confined in I
unaware of We.

Periodically, most people, at some point in their lives, need a reboot. I think that the prevailing attitude is, if you don't need it, don't do it. This comes from the idea of a bigger, more intimate, more complete progress one can achieve if one sticks with something. If a person works hard at something, diligently putting effort into a project or relationship, one can find deeper levels of meaning, stability, and progress. I've never been any good at this.

Em and I are in Saint Paul. We are finding new levels of love with each other, and are growing stronger and happier in each other's care and company. I am learning what is important to me, I am finding the things that are worth the time and effort. Em. My writing (which, by the way, I have sent the first query letter for my new novel. Fingers crossed I can stick with all of that). This city, at least from the experience we've had so far.

Saint Paul (and Minneapolis as well) has an attitude that feels like home. Much more than New Mexico ever did. I felt just right on the road, but there was an underlying anxiety and it's hard to build anything when you're constantly moving. So, after seeing what a good chunk of the country had to offer (and there were great things and people everywhere I ((and we)) went), we've landed here. We might stay a while. Where they lay claim to 'Happiest State in the Union'. Where they have a comedy writer for a Senator. Where they go around turning cars at single lane stop lights, where the grocery store has no baggers or cart attendants. Saint Paul has a very "I'm here to help unless you can do it yourself" attitude that Em and I dig. Not the 'Me first' bullshit of LA, Not the 'Go on now' false courtesy of West Virginia, not the drunken arrogance of New Mexico. There are nice things about all of these places, they just weren't quite right for us. Saint Paul feels just right. Of course, we haven't been here for winter yet, so...

I'm also figuring out what I don't really care about. Money, for one. I don't understand why a thing (a concept, really) that causes so much stress and anxiety harnesses so much power in people's lives. "Holy crap, I never have enough money. Money is the root of all evil. Money makes me crazy. I work really hard for money's sake, and I don't get enough money for my work! My solution: Try to get more money!" This seems insane to me. Anyway, so I guess my priority now is increasing my means and effectiveness without compromising my values. I'm putting a clear, calm, connected mind above anything material, and that seems to be working out fine. I've realized that my big way to contribute is through communication and art, so, that's where I'll be focusing my efforts. Until money becomes attached to that, however, I suppose I'll get a job somewhere so Em doesn't lose her mind. It's hard to convince her to focus her efforts on HER art, her voice is louder and more accessible than mine, but she still worries about things like death and taxes. We'll work on that.

So, for now, writing, exploring, progress, happiness. I'm doing a half-ass version of 60 Days of Horror if you guys want to check it out. Pretty much just re-watching old favorites since filmmaking is kind of in a digital dumpster-dive right now. And keep an eye out for links to short stories and the new book, coming... soon(ish)?